Things you should never say to a pregnant person

Pregnancy opens up a whole new exciting world. Unfortunately, that also includes perfect strangers feeling up your belly (please don’t!), having the way you look and behave under extra scrutiny, and even people making indirect enquiries about your sex life.

Here are some things you should never say to a pregnant person – because they’re a ball of seething hormones and they might kill you (kidding, mostly).

Who’s the father?

Let me consult my diary for that week. Ummm… oh dear…

Was it an accident?

Depends on the answer to previous question. If the baby is anyone’s but my husband’s, then probably yes.

You look like you’re having twins.                                                        

I knew I shouldn’t have had that second packet of chips.

Was it a natural conception or not?

As it happens, yes! Can I send you the video?

You already have a boy. So you must want a girl next.

Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But please don’t make me admit one preference or the other out loud.

Oh you’re having a girl! Bet you can’t wait to go shopping together and buy lots of pink dresses.

Bit of outdated stereotyping going on there…

Oh you’re having a boy! Bet your husband can’t wait to play baseball with him.

Ditto above. Also, my hubby doesn’t like playing baseball and if his genes win out, neither will the baby. Cue the most awkward and unenthusiastic baseball game ever.

Sleep as much as you can now because once the baby is born, there’ll be no more of that!

Wait, that doesn’t even make sense. Is sleep something you can store up and use later?

Don’t eat/drink/do that!

Unless you’re my doctor, kindly zip it.

Pregnant - cat

My last labour totally ripped me up AND they had to manually break my tailbone to get the baby out. I haven’t been the same since if you know what I mean… Hope yours goes well though!

*Cry*

You’re so young/old to be having a baby! (or any comment about age)

You’re too old to make such a thoughtless comment.

Are you planning on having more children?

Let me just deal with this one first, OK?

Yuck, you want to name your baby THAT? I know a horrible person with that name.

Based on that logic, I’ll now be scratching your name off the list too.

Oh, I totally know what you mean. When we were about to get our new kitten…

Just… no.

I bet you’re having a girl because you’re carrying wide/pointy-toed/have seven curly chin hairs that pulse to the beat of “The Final Countdown”.  

Thank you. I’ll go join the circus now.

Did you know that allowing your unborn child to listen to Mozart will increase their chances of winning a Nobel Peace Prize by 123,258%?

What percentage will it increase by if they listen to Hit Machine 21?

Ooh, this thing smells disgusting. Go on, smell it!

Unless you want to be covered in upchuck within the next 5 seconds, please don’t.

I’m going to microwave up some 3 day old tuna for lunch. 

See above.

(Partner) Pregnancy is so hard.

*Death stare*

(Partner) They say that being kicked in the balls is more painful than childbirth.

Want to test out that theory?

(Partner) Oh you’re just moody because of those pregnancy hormones.

Oh you’re just asking to test out that theory!