The definitive list of things mums say.
If mums did not have a well-refined filter in place to prevent all the thoughts in their heads from spilling out of their mouths, they would probably lose custody of their kids or end up in prison. With that in mind, here are some common things mums say and what they really mean.
Maybe. Maybe not.
We’ll see. No chance.
Only boring people get bored. Just quit whining already.
Because I said so. I’m all out of wise rationalisations. Just accept that I’m right, OK?
Do this by the count of three, or else. Or else mummy will be forced to go beyond three and sound like a right moron.
Stop fighting or I’m turning the car around and going home. This is a complete bluff. I’m counting on you not knowing that it’s illegal to cross double lines when you’re in the left lane and there are three lanes of cars in the way. Also, we really need to get dinner so I’m not wasting any time turning around.
Stop fighting or I’ll throw you out of the car and make you walk. I won’t really. Polite society is watching.
You’re fine, you’re fine! Of course I can see that you fell on your head pretending to be a helicopter. But your loud wails indicate you’re very much alive and I really can’t be bothered going to the emergency room.
That’s a very pretty painting..??! Now, tell me what the heck it is because I don’t want to do any awkward guessing.
No, I can’t help you with your homework. How will you learn anything if you don’t do it yourself? I have no flipping idea what any of your homework means but I don’t want to admit it.
Dinner is ready. Dinner is almost ready. I’m just making the call early because I know it will take you at least 5 minutes to shuffle your backsides here.
Wow, you picked that outfit yourself! This is a gentle reminder to please, please tell everyone that you picked that outfit yourself—I don’t have the energy right now to force you to change, but I also don’t want to be blamed for that mess.
Of course your dad was the first person I had sex with! That year.
Are you sure you need to poo right now? I just cleaned the toilet; therefore I’d like to enjoy it for a few more moments.
Bring your jacket—I don’t want you to get cold. I also don’t want you to catch a cold. Not just because I care deeply about your health, but also because I care deeply about not running out of sick leave at work.
Maybe when you’re older. Or maybe never. Note that I haven’t specified an age, which is a sure sign that I’m hoping you will forget about this by the time you get ‘older’.
I love you. I love you.
And that’s it: our comprehensive list of things mums say and their translations. Like this article and comment below—and if you’re after some more insight into the minds of mums, then try our list of the funniest mum tweets from the past year.